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COMEDIANS I WISH I'D MET

I NEVER HARDLY EVER READ ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE, UNLESS THEY HAVE BEATLES STUFF.

BUT THEY DO PUBLISH A COMEDY ISSUE EVERY FEW YEARS, AND I ALWAYS LOVE THAT ISSUE.

BELOW IS A QUESTION ASKED OF VARIOUS CURRENT TOP COMEDIANS AND COMICS:

WHICH COMEDIAN DO YOU WISH YOU'D MET?

ROBIN WILLIAMS: THE GREAT COMIC THAT I WOULD'VE MOST LOVED TO MEET IS GROUCHO MARX. JUST HANG OUT WITH HIM, WHETHER HE WAS ON ACID OR NOT. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE VERY SWEET AND FUNNY.

ALBERT BROOKS: I'M NOT A DRINKER, BUT I'D LOVE TO HAVE SPENT A COUPLE OF NIGHTS WITH W.C. FIELDS.

DANE COOK: I WOULD SAY DON RICKLES AT ANY TIME IN THE 1960'S. LAS VEGAS, IT IT'S PEAK, GUNS BLAZING, CLOBBERING A ROOM. THAT WOULD BE IT.

CHRIS ROCK: I NEVER SAW RICHARD PRYOR IN HIS PRIME. I SAW HIM RIGHT BEFORE HE GOT SICK. I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE SEEN HIM WHEN HE WAS DOING "THAT N****R'S CRAZY" OR....."IS IT SOMETHING I SAID"?

TINA FEY: I'D LIKE TO SEE THE MARX BROTHERS A THOUSAND YEARS IN THE FUTURE. BECAUSE I THINK IT WOULD STILL BE FUNNY. AND IT WOULD MEAN I LIVED TO BE 1,038.

JIMMY FALLON: I WISH I'D MET THE LITTLE RASCALS WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG, BECAUSE THEY SEEM LIKE A LOT OF FUN. WE'D PUT ON A SHOW OR SOMETHING AND IMPRESS DARLA AND ALFALFA. I'D TOTALLY BE ALFALFA'S WINGMAN. HE WAS A TALENTED DUDE. SUCH A GOOD SINGER, AND A SHARP DRESSER, TOO.

BILLY CRYSTAL: LENNY BRUCE AT HIS HEIGHT, BEFORE THE COURT STUFF STARTED TO WEIGH HIM DOWN - IT WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT TO BE AT THE CARNEGIE HALL CONCERT.

AMY POEHLER: I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE NICHOLS AND MAY LIVE. AND I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO REDD FOXX IN A CORNER.

MARTIN SHORT: THE THREE STOOGES ONSTAGE. I BET THEY HAD AMAZING ENERGY. ALSO, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO OR BUSTER KEATON IN VAUDEVILLE. THOSE GUYS WOULD DO LITERALLY ANYHTHING, WITH NO CONCERN FOR THE RAMIFICATIONS- COMPLETE MAD COMMITTMENTS TO PHYSICAL COMEDY, COMMITTING TO THE DANGER OF IT.

ERIC IDLE: JACK BENNY - I NEVER SAW MUCH OF HIM. AND I'D LOVE TO SEE NICHOLS AND MAY - I WAS A BIG FAN OF THEIRS WHEN I WAS AT CAMBRIDGE.

STEVEN WRIGHT: WOODY ALLEN WHEN HE WAS DOING STAND-UP. BECAUSE THERE'S NOT MUCH FILM OF HIM IN THOSE DAYS, AND I ADMIRE HIS MIND.

PHYLISS DILLER: I'VE ALREADY MET CHARLIE CHAPLIN.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I WANNA HAVE A MAP OF THE WORLD IN MY HOUSE.

THEN I'M GONNA PUT PINS IN ALL THE LOCATIONS I'VE TRAVELLED TO.

BUT FIRST, I'M GONNA HAVE TO TRAVEL TO THE TWO CORNERS ON THE MAP, SO IT WON'T FALL OFF THE WALL.

                                           - MITCH HEDBERG

WHY WERE OLD SCHOOLHOUSES PAINTED RED?

BECAUSE RED PAINT WAS CHEAP AND GOOD VALUE.

IN NEW ENGLAND IN THE 1800'S, A HOMEMADE PAINT CONTAINING IRON OXIDE WAS VERY POPULAR BECAUSE IT ACTED AS AN EXCELLENT WOOD PRESERVATIVE.

IT WAS USED ON WOODEN BARNS (THE CLASSIC RED BARN), SHEDS, STORES, AND OF COURSE, SCHOOLHOUSES.

IT GAVE THE STRUCTURES A HARD, PROTECTIVE COAT, AND BECAUSE OF THE IRON OXIDE, IT ALSO GAVE THEM A BRIGHT RED COLOR.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THE JAPANESE HAVE A WORD FOR IT - "JUDO"- THE ART OF CONQUERING BY YIELDING.

THE WESTERN EQUIVALENT OF JUDO IS "YES, DEAR".

                                           - J.P. MCEVOY

QUESTION OF THE DAY

WHAT IS THE MOST POPULAR BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGE?

PIGTAILS???

WHY ARE SAILOR SUITS MADE THE WAY THEY ARE?

THE LARGE BELL-BOTTOMED TROUSERS WERE DESIGNED TO MAKE IT EASY FOR A SAILOR TO ROLL UP HIS PANTS WHEN SWABBING THE DECK. THEY ALSO MADE IT EASIER FOR HIM TO SLIP OUT OF A WET UNIFORM IF HE FINDS HIMSELF IN THE WATER.

THE CAP IS DESIGNED FOR EASY STORAGE AND TO SERVE AS A FLOTATION DEVICE. IT IS MADE OF CANVAS AND IS ALMOST AIRTIGHT WHEN SOAKING WET. WHEN THE CAP IS THOROUGHLY WET AND THE BRIM IS TURNED DOWN, IT CAN BE USED TO CAPTURE AN AIR BUBBLE AND KEEP THE SAILOR AFLOAT.

SOME SAY THE LARGE FLAT COLLAR THAT LIES ACROSS THE BACK OF THE UNIFORM WAS TO PROTECT THE MAIN PART OF THE UNIFORM FROM THE TAR AND POWDER THAT EARLY SAILORS USED TO PUT ON THEIR PIGTAILS.

QUESTION OF THE DAY

WHICH ONE OF THE BEATLES WAS NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY AWARD?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I DISCOVERED I SCREAM THE SAME WAY, WHETHER I'M ABOUT TO BE ATTACKED BY A GREAT WHITE OR IF A PIECE OF SEAWEED TOUCHES MY FOOT

                                           - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUESTION OF THE DAY

THIS IS A VERY TOUGH ONE.

WHAT 7-LETTER WORD CONTAINS NINE OTHER WORDS WITHOUT ANY OF THE LETTERS IN IT BEING REARRANGED?

JOKE OF THE DAY

JOE IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND HE SPOTS HIS FRIEND BILL APPROACHING HIM.

BILL HAS A LITTLE BAND-AID ON HIS FOREHEAD.

JOE ASKS HIM:

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

OH MY GOD, SAYS BILL, THIS WAS NUTS! I WAS AT A ROOFTOP PARTY, 12 STORIES ABOVE GROUND, SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE ROOF. A BIG GUST OF WIND CAME ALONG AND BLEW ME OFF THE EDGE. TWELVE STORIES UP! UNBELIEVABLE!!

WHAT HAPPENED???, ASKED JOE.

WELL, SAID BILL, I FELL DOWN THE 12 STORIES, BUT THERE WERE SOME CLOTHESLINES ABOUT FOUR STORIES DOWN TO BREAK MY FALL, I BOUNCED OFF OFF THEM AND I HIT AN AWNING.

WOW, SAID JOE, WHAT HAPPENED THEN??

I BOUNCED OFF THE AWNING, AND BOUNCED UP IN THE AIR, BUT THERE HAPPENED TO BE A MATTRESS TRUCK DRIVING BY AND IT BROKE MT FALL.

HOLY COW!!, SAID JOE, WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

I BOUNCED OFF THE MATTRESSES IN THE TRUCK AND SHOT UP 20 FEET IN THE AIR. BUT THERE WAS A HUGE CARTON OF MARSHMALLOWS SITTING RIGHT THERE AND THEY BROKE MY FALL. THE MARSHMALLOWS WERE BEING DELIVERED TO A PARTY.

BUT WHAT'S WITH THE BAND-AID ON YOUR HEAD?, ASKED JOE.

OH, SAID BILL, AS I WAS WALKING AWAY, I SCRATCHED MY FOREHEAD WITH MY FINGERNAIL.

MY GOD!, SAID JOE, YOU MUST BE THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD! 

OH NO, SAID BILL - THAT WOULD BE JIM BELUSHI.