OMG, I GOT UP THIS MORNING TO BE GREETED WITH SO MANY NICE BIRTHDAY WISHES FROM SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE THIS MORNING. I SWEAR, I HAVE BEEN REPLYING TO BIRTHDAY GREETINGS FOR THE PAST 45 MINUTES SOLID!!!
THINKING ABOUT GETTING OLDER IS ABOUT AS POPULAR AS GARLIC DIP AT A VAMPIRE CONVENTION, BUT, UNLIKE THE ILL-CONCEIVED CONDIMENT, IT IS, AT LEAST IN THIS UNIVERSE (UNLESS YOU DIE) AN INEVITABLE EVENTUALITY.
I SHOULD AMEND THIS STATEMENT, HOWEVER, TO ILLUSTRATE THE MORE TRUTHFUL OBSERVATION. AT EARLIER POINTS IN ONE'S LIFE, GETTING OLDER IS FUN, A HAPPY TIME, A JOYFUL CELEBRATION. BUT GROWING OLDER, AS THOSE OF US WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THE PHENOMENA ON MORE THAN 40 OR 50 OCCASIONS CALLED "BIRTHDAYS", IS AN ODD OCCURRENCE, IN THAT IT IS FUN WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, BUT SOMEHOW GROWS A BIT LESS FUN, AS WE REACH THOSE INEVITABLE YEARS REFERRED TO AS "MIDDLE AGE".
I GUESS, THOUGH, AGE IS, AS THEY SAY "ALL IN THE MIND", A CONSIDERATION. HMMMM....COME TO THINK OF IT, SUCCESS, FAILURE, WELL-BEING, SECURITY, CONTENTMENT, AND THAT MOST PRECIOUS AND DESIRED COMMODITY OF ALL, HAPPINESS, ARE ALL, LIKEWISE, CONSIDERATIONS AS WELL.
BUT THAT'S A BIT HEAVY FOR NOW, SO LET'S NOT GO THERE. ON MY BIRTHDAYS, I LIKE TO TAKE STOCK OF THE PREVIOUS YEAR, WHAT I DID, WHAT I EXPERIENCED, WHAT I ACCOMPLISHED. IT WAS AN ALRIGHT YEAR, LIKE SO MANY OF MY RECENT YEARS, NOT MY BEST, NOT MY WORST.
LET'S SEE, I GOT MY FIRST-EVER JAYWALKING TICKET IN GLENDALE FOR $193.00 (193 BUCKS!!?? FOR JAYWALKING!!!!?????).
OMG, I GET MY PENSION THIS YEAR- STARTING ON APRIL FIRST. I'M FRIGGING 55 NOW, AND AROUND VALENTINE'S DAY, I WENT TO THE S.A.G. PENSIONS BUILDING IN BURBANK. I WENT WITH PESSIMISM, BECAUSE OF WHAT I CALL THE "I LOVE LUCY RULE" OF LIFE i.e. IN LIFE, IN ANY ACTION THAT IS IMPORTANT, SOMETHING WILL, INEVITABLY GET SCREWED UP BY SOMEONE OR GO WRONG SOMEHOW. (YES, I KNOW IT'S BASICALLY "MURPHY'S LAW", BUT I CALL IT THE "I LOVE LUCY RULE" BECAUSE ON THE SHOW SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENED TO LUCY, NO MATTER HOW SIMPLE THE ACTION APPARENTLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOR HER.) I TOLD THE PEOPLE THERE I WANTED TO START COLLECTING MY PENSION AND I WAS WRONG- THEY COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NICER, THEY HELPED ME AND WERE SO EFFICIENT AND NICE. (I NEVER FILLED OUT SO MANY FORMS IN MY LIFE THOUGH! THEY EVEN FINGERPRINT YOU!!). ALONG WITH MY UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS AND RESIDUAL CHECKS, I WILL CONTINUE (JUST AT A HIGHER RATE) LIVING THE "GREAT AMERICAN DREAM"- GETTING PAID WHILE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, I GOT THROWN UP ON ON THE BUS. I WAS RIDING OUT TO BURBANK TO GO EAT AT ONE OF WONDERFUL ETHNIC RESTAURANTS THEY HAVE THERE, AND I SAW SOME VOMIT ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF MY SEAT IN THE FRONT OF THE BUS. LIKE OLIVER HARDY IN A LAUREL AND HARDY FILM, I LOOKED STRAIGHT AHEAD ("AT THE CAMERA") AND REALIZED, OMG!!, I QUICKLY TOOK OFF MY COAT, AND IT WAS COVERED IN VOMIT (LUCKILY, NONE GOT ON MY PERSON.) APPARENTLY, A VERY ILL OLDER LADY WAS SITTING RIGHT BEHIND ME, WITH, PRESUMABLY, HER HUSBAND, WHO WAS COMFORTING HER. OBVIOUSLY, VERY SICK FROM FOOD POISONING OR MOTION SICKNESS OR WHATEVER THE CAUSE, SHE HAD HEAVED UP ALL OVER MY WINTER COAT. I WHIPPED THE COAT OFF AND SET IT IN THE FRONT OF THE BUS, UP ON A SHELF. WHEN THE BUS STOPPED AT MY STOP, I TOOK MY COAT AND THREW IT IN A TRASH CAN. NO, I NEVER ASKED THE COUPLE FOR COMPENSATION - AS THEY GOT OFF THE BUS BEFORE ME, I WATCHED THIS POOR, SUFFERING ELDERLY LADY AND I RECALLED HOW MURDEROUS IT IS TO EXPERIENCE THE TERRIBLE DISCOMFORT OF NAUSEA AND SICKNESS MYSELF.
I WOULD HONESTLY SAY THAT THE WEEK OF FEBRUARY 5TH, 2012, WAS THE SINGLE MOST DISAPPOINTING WEEK OF MY LIFE. MY BELOVED NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS LOST THE SUPER BOWL AND I MET MY SUPREME IDOL, JERRY LEWIS, AND HE PRETTY MUCH BLEW ME OFF. IT WASN'T "THE WORST WEEK" OF MY LIFE, BY ANY STRETCH, AS ACTUAL PHYSICAL SICKNESS OR PAIN IS MUCH, MUCH WORSE, IT WAS JUST THE MOST DISAPPOINTING. MAYBE AS BAD AS LOSING SOME ROLES I REALLY WANTED IN MY EARLIER MOVIE ACTING DAYS.
ON THE HAPPY SIDE OF THE LEDGER, MY HEALTH IS GOOD, OUTSIDE OF MY HIGH CHOLESTEROL COUNT, WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO CUT DOWN ON SOME OF MY PREVIOUS FAVORITE FOODS, LIKE STEAKS AND PINK'S HOT DOGS AND DRINKING COKES, STUFF LIKE THAT. I LOVE WRITING AND COUNT IT AS ONE OF MY GREATEST JOYS AND NOW I WRITE ARTICLES FOR TWO DIFFERENT WEBSITES, MENTAL FLOSS AND NEATORAMA.
I LOVE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I LIKE TO FEED THE BIRDS, TO RIDE THE TROLLEY AT THE AMERICANA OR AT THE GROVE, TO GO TO STARBUCK'S AND READ THE FREE NEWSPAPERS, TO TAKE THE BUS TO MY FAVORITE RESTAURANTS IN L.A. AND AROUND, WATCHING GREAT MOVIES, GOING TO DODGER GAMES, WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAMES AT THE SPORTS BAR AND OF COURSE, BY FAR MY GREATEST JOY, READING BOOKS. I THINK I COULD SURVIVE ANYTHING IN LIFE, EXCEPT FOR A WORLD WITH NO BOOKS.
I HARDLY ACT MUCH ANY MORE. I HAD MAYBE EIGHT OR TEN VOICE-OVER GIGS IN THE PAST YEAR. I DID A FUN PILOT AT DISNEY, WHERE I ACTUALLY PLAYED A GIRL, BUT IT DIDN'T GO.
I DID A SIGNING SHOW OR TWO, WHICH I ALWAYS LOVE. AND I WENT TO LAS VEGAS TWICE, MY FAVORITE CITY IN THE UNIVERSE- I'M ALWAYS SO HAPPY THERE.
I AM BLESSED WITH THE MOST WONDERFUL FRIENDS IN THE WORLD. I COUNT EVERY PERSON READING THIS MESSAGE AS SUCH. A LIFE WITHOUT FRIENDS IS A CORNED BEEF SANDWICH WITHOUT MUSTARD AND A DILL PICKLE. YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW MUCH JOY YOU BRING INTO MY LIFE.
WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST, EDDIE
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