EddieDeezen.com

QUOTE OF THE DAY

A MINNEAPOLIS MAN HAS BEEN SPEAKING ONLY IN KLINGON TO HIS CHILD FOR THE FIRST THREE YEARS OF HIS LIFE.

IN FACT, SO FAR THE ONLY WORDS THE CHILD CAN SAY ARE "I HATE YOU, DAD".

    -  CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S UGLY - BUT IF I CHECKED INTO A HOTEL WITH HER, I'D HAVE TO PUT OUT THE "PLEASE DISTURB" SIGN.

- TONY ORLANDO

QUOTE OF THE DAY

ONCE WE WERE MAKING LOVE, A CURIOUS OPTICAL ILLUSION OCCURRED - IT LOOKED AS THOUGH SHE WERE MOVING.

                              - WOODY ALLEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

A SUICIDE HOTLINE IS WHERE THEY TALK TO YOU UNTIL YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE KILLING YOURSELF.

EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF TELEMARKETING.

                              - WOODY ALLEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

MY GRANDFATHER LIKES TO GIVE ME ADVICE, BUT HE'S A LITTLE FORGETFUL. ONE DAY, HE TOOK ME ASIDE AND LEFT ME THERE.

                         - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

SOME PEOPLE THINK OF THE GLASS AS HALF FULL.

SOME THINK OF THE GLASS AS HALF EMPTY.

I THINK OF THE GLASS AS TOO BIG.

                         - GEORGE CARLIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

IN LOS ANGELES, THERE'S A HOTLINE FOR PEOPLE IN DENIAL. SO FAR NO ONE HAS CALLED...

                                - GEORGE CARLIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

HOSTING THE OSCARS IS LIKE MAKING LOVE TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN - IT'S SOMETHING I ONLY GET TO DO WHEN BILLY CRYSTAL'S OUT OF TOWN.

                                 - STEVE MARTIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I WENT TO SAN FRANCISCO. I FOUND SOMEONE'S HEART.

                             - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I TELL YA, LIFE IS TOUGH. FOR YEARS I WAS GETTING A RINGING IN MY EARS. IT'S GETTING WORSE. NOW I'M GETTING BUSY SIGNALS.

                         - RODNEY DANGERFIELD