EddieDeezen.com

JOKE OF THE DAY

A MAN BOUGHT HIS WIFE A CEMETERY PLOT FOR CHRISTMAS.

THE NEXT YEAR HE BOUGHT HER NOTHING.

HEY!
COMPLAINED THE ANGRY WIFE,
HOW COME YOU DIDN'T BUY ME A CHRISTMAS PRESENT THIS YEAR?

YOU DIDN'T USE THE PRESENT I GOT YOU LAST YEAR,
SAID THE HUSBAND

JOKE OF THE DAY

A LION, A HAWK AND A SKUNK WERE ARGUING WHILE THEY SWAM IN A LAKE TOGETHER.

I AM THE STRONGEST, SAID THE LION, BECAUSE EVERY ANIMAL FEARS ME!

NO, I AM THE STRONGEST, SAID THE HAWK, BECAUSE ONLY I CAN HUNT FROM THE AIR!

NO, I AM THE STRONGEST, SAID THE SKUNK, BECAUSE MY STENCH CAN KEEP BOTH OF YOU AWAY!

JUST THEN A FISHERMAN ROWED HIS BOAT ON THE LAKE AND EASILY CAUGHT ALL THREE ANIMALS - HAWK, LION, AND STINKER.

JOKE OF THE DAY

A BLIND RABBIT AND A BLIND SNAKE MET EACH OTHER IN THE WOODS.

THEY STARTED TO TALK TO EACH OTHER AND SOON REALIZED THAT BOTH WERE BLIND.

YOU KNOW, SAID THE RABBIT, BEING BLIND ALL MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM. COULD YOU FEEL MY BODY SO I'LL KNOW WHAT I AM?

SURE, AGREED THE BLIND SNAKE.

HE STARTED TO RUB HIMSELF AGAINST THE RABBIT'S BODY.

WELL, SAID THE SNAKE, YOU HAVE SOFT, WARM FUR. YOU HAVE TWO LONG, FLOPPY EARS, AND A COTTON TAIL.

GEE, SAID THE RABBIT, I MUST BE A BUNNY!

NOW PLEASE, ASKED THE SNAKE, COULD YOU RETURN THE FAVOR SO I'LL KNOW WHAT I AM?

OF COURSE, SAID THE BLIND BUNNY.

WELL. SAID THE RABBIT, YOU ARE COLD AND SLIMY. AND I CAN'T TELL YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR ASS.

OH DEAR GOD NO!, SAID THE SNAKE,

I'M AN AGENT!

JOKE OF THE DAY

JOE IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND HE SPOTS HIS FRIEND BILL APPROACHING HIM.

BILL HAS A LITTLE BAND-AID ON HIS FOREHEAD.

JOE ASKS HIM:

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

OH MY GOD, SAYS BILL, THIS WAS NUTS! I WAS AT A ROOFTOP PARTY, 12 STORIES ABOVE GROUND, SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE ROOF. A BIG GUST OF WIND CAME ALONG AND BLEW ME OFF THE EDGE. TWELVE STORIES UP! UNBELIEVABLE!!

WHAT HAPPENED???, ASKED JOE.

WELL, SAID BILL, I FELL DOWN THE 12 STORIES, BUT THERE WERE SOME CLOTHESLINES ABOUT FOUR STORIES DOWN TO BREAK MY FALL, I BOUNCED OFF OFF THEM AND I HIT AN AWNING.

WOW, SAID JOE, WHAT HAPPENED THEN??

I BOUNCED OFF THE AWNING, AND BOUNCED UP IN THE AIR, BUT THERE HAPPENED TO BE A MATTRESS TRUCK DRIVING BY AND IT BROKE MT FALL.

HOLY COW!!, SAID JOE, WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

I BOUNCED OFF THE MATTRESSES IN THE TRUCK AND SHOT UP 20 FEET IN THE AIR. BUT THERE WAS A HUGE CARTON OF MARSHMALLOWS SITTING RIGHT THERE AND THEY BROKE MY FALL. THE MARSHMALLOWS WERE BEING DELIVERED TO A PARTY.

BUT WHAT'S WITH THE BAND-AID ON YOUR HEAD?, ASKED JOE.

OH, SAID BILL, AS I WAS WALKING AWAY, I SCRATCHED MY FOREHEAD WITH MY FINGERNAIL.

MY GOD!, SAID JOE, YOU MUST BE THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD! 

OH NO, SAID BILL - THAT WOULD BE JIM BELUSHI.

JOKE OF THE DAY

ALL THE MALE FROGS WERE SITTING AROUND ON THEIR LILY PADS, TRILLING IN THE POND, HOPING TO ATTRACT FEMALE FROGS.

YOU COULD HEAR THE FROG TRILLING FOR MILES AROUND.

HEY, SAID ONE FROG TO ANOTHER, THERE'S HARRY AND MARTHA. HOW COME HARRY'S SO QUIET?

WELL, HARRY AND MARTHA HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR TWENTY-THREE YEARS NOW, SAID THE SECOND FROG.

YEAH, SAID THE FIRST FROG, I GUESS THE TRILL IS GONE...

JOKE OF THE DAY

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

A WEALTHY COUPLE WERE SITTING IN AN EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT.

SUDDENLY, A GORGEOUS REDHEAD APPROACHED THE MAN. SHE WALKED OVER TO THEIR TABLE AND GAVE THE MAN A BIG, PASSIONATE KISS, THEN SHE WALKED AWAY.

WHO WAS THAT??, ASKED THE WIFE ANGRILY.

THAT'S MY MISTRESS, THE MAN SAID.

ALRIGHT, SAID THE WIFE, THAT'S IT! I WANT A DIVORCE!!!

I UNDERSTAND, SAID THE HUSBAND, BUT YOU REALIZE THAT IF WE DO GET A DIVORCE, THAT MEANS NO MORE TRIPS TO PARIS IN THE SPRING AND NO MORE TRIPS TO MIAMI BEACH IN THE WINTER. IT MEANS NO MORE CADILLAC, NO MORE MAIDS, NO MORE BUTLERS, AND IT MEANS THE END OF OUR 32-ROOM MANSION. WE'LL BOTH HAVE TO MOVE OUT AND LIVE IN TWO SMALL HOUSES.

THE WIFE SAT WITH HER ARMS CROSSED.

RIGHT THEN, A MUTUAL FRIEND WALKED INTO THE RESTAURANT. HE HAD A GORGEOUS BLONDE ON HIS ARM.

WHO'S THAT WITH JIM?, ASKED THE WIFE.

THAT'S HIS MISTRESS, SAID THE HUSBAND.

OURS IS PRETTIER, REPLIED THE WIFE.

JOKE OF THE DAY

A MILD-MANNERED, TIMID-LOOKING MAN SAT AT A TABLE IN A LOCAL BAR. HE SAT STARING INTENTLY AT HIS DRINK. HE KEPT TIMIDLY STARING AT IT FOR 10, 20, 30 MINUTES.

FINALLY, A LOCAL BAR ROOM BRAWLER CAME OVER TO HIS TABLE AND SAT HIMSELF DOWN. THE BULLY PUSHED THE LITTLE MAN ASIDE AND GUZZLED DOWN THE DRINK HIMSELF. THE BRAWLER LAUGHED OUT LOUD AND WIPED HIS MOUTH ON HIS SLEEVE.

THE NERDY LITTLE MAN WAS VERY SURPRISED AND STARTED CRYING.

DAMN!, SAID THE BULLY, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D TAKE IT SO HARD, LITTLE FELLA.

THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, SAID THE LITTLE MAN, FIRST, I'M LATE FOR WORK AND MY BOSS FIRES ME. THEN, I GO TO LEAVE AND I FIND MY CAR WAS STOLEN. THEN, I TAKE A TAXI HOME AND I LEAVE MY WALLET IN THE CAB. THEN, I ARRIVE HOME AND I FIND MY WIFE IN BED WITH THE POOL BOY.

WELL, I GUESS THIS JUST AIN'T YOUR DAY, CHUCKLED THE BULLY, TOO BAD!

YES, SAID THE MILD-MANNERED MAN, AND AFTER ALL THAT, YOU SHOW UP AND DRINK ALL MY POISON.

JOKE OF THE DAY

TWO YOUNG BOYS ALWAYS PLAYED TOGETHER.

SINCE THEY WERE BEST FRIENDS, THEY AGREED TO MEET ON CHRISTMAS DAY AND SHOW EACH OTHER THEIR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

FINALLY, IT WAS CHRISTMAS MORNING AND THE FIRST BOY WENT OVER TO THE SECOND BOY'S HOUSE.

JOKE OF THE DAY

A MARRIED MAN WAS WORKING AT THE OFFICE WITH HIS GORGEOUS SECRETARY. SOON, IT WAS AFTER FIVE O'CLOCK AND HE DECIDED TO ASK HER TO DINNER. HE CALLED HIS WIFE AND TOLD HER HE'D BE WORKING LATE AND SHE SAID "FINE." AFTER DINNER, THE SECRETARY'S SHORT SKIRT, LONG LEGS, AND BEAUTIFUL FIGURE BECAME TOO MUCH FOR HIM. THE TWO WENT TO HER APARTMENT AND MADE MAD, PASSIONATE LOVE. THE MAN SAID GOODNIGHT AND DROVE HOME.

JOKE OF THE DAY

A LITTLE BOY HAD BEEN OUT, SPENDING THE DAY WITH HIS FATHER. HE ARRIVED BACK HOME AND WAS GREETED BY HIS MOTHER AT THE FRONT DOOR.

"MOMMY", SAID THE BOY, "I WENT RIDING ON THE BUS WITH DADDY."

"THAT'S NICE, DEAR," SAID THE MOTHER.

"A REALLY PRETTY LADY WITH A REAL SHORT DRESS GOT ON AND DADDY MADE ME GET UP AND GIVE HER MY SEAT," SAID THE BOY.

"YOUR FATHER WAS TEACHING YOU TO BE A GENTLEMAN," SAID THE MOTHER, "ALWAYS GET UP AND GIVE YOUR SEAT TO A LADY ON A BUS. WHERE WERE YOU SITTING, ANYWAY?"

"ON DADDY'S LAP," SAID THE BOY.

JOKE OF THE DAY

THE FIRST JEWISH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAS BEEN ELECTED, AND HE WANTS HIS JEWISH MOTHER TO COME TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A VISIT.

HE CALLS HER ON THE PHONE TO INVITE HER OVER FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER.

JOKE OF THE DAY

A BUDDHIST GOES TO A HOT DOG STAND.

"MAKE ME ONE WITH EVERYTHING," HE SAID.

JOKE OF THE DAY

TWO FEROCIOUS, SAVAGE-LOOKING TIGERS WERE STROLLING THROUGH THE JUNGLE TOGETHER.

AS THEY WALKED INTO AN OPEN CLEARING, THE SECOND TIGER SUDDENLY LICKED THE FIRST TIGER'S BUTT. "HEY!!," SAID THE FIRST TIGER, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" "SORRY," THE SECOND TIGER SAID SHEEPISHLY.

THEY WALKED A FEW MORE YARDS AND AGAIN, THE SECOND TIGER LICKED THE FIRST TIGER'S REAR END."CUT THAT OUT!!", THE FIRST TIGER SAID, "STOP DOING THAT!!" THE SECOND TIGER NODDED QUIETLY.