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Quote of the Day

O'HARA, MCCORMICK, STAPLETON, DOWD:

THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE MAUREENS

                            -WYNNE MCLAUGHLIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

MICHAEL VICK IS SO UNPOPULAR IN PHILADELPHIA, HE COULDN'T GET ELECTED DOG CATCHER.

                                                  - FREDDY GOLIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR FIRST CRUSH. MINE WAS ORANGE.

                                                  - EMO PHILLIPS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I SAT DOWN BESIDE HER, SAID HELLO, AND OFFERED TO BUY HER A DRINK. THEN NATURAL SELECTION REARED ITS UGLY HEAD.

                                 - RODNEY DANGERFIELD

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I HAVE TO THANK MY AGENTS, WHO BELIEVED IN ME WHEN EVERYONE ELSE DID.

 

                      - DON REO (AT THE WGA AWARDS)

QUOTE OF THE DAY

PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS IF THE BEARS WIN THIS WEEKEND, HE'S GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL.
HA, GOOD LUCK GETTING A TICKET!

- STEPHEN COLBERT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THE GUITAR'S ALRIGHT JOHN, BUT YOU'LL NEVER EARN A LIVING WITH IT

- JOHN LENNON'S AUNT MIMI

 
JOHN LENNON 1940 - 1980

STOLEN FROM US ALL, 30 YEARS AGO TODAY.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THE GOOD NEWS: BRAD PITT IS SHOOTING A MOVIE IN STAGE NEXT TO MINE.

THE BAD NEWS: 3 PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS SHILO.

   - DAVID SPADE

QUOTE OF THE DAY

A MINNEAPOLIS MAN HAS BEEN SPEAKING ONLY IN KLINGON TO HIS CHILD FOR THE FIRST THREE YEARS OF HIS LIFE.

IN FACT, SO FAR THE ONLY WORDS THE CHILD CAN SAY ARE "I HATE YOU, DAD".

    -  CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S UGLY - BUT IF I CHECKED INTO A HOTEL WITH HER, I'D HAVE TO PUT OUT THE "PLEASE DISTURB" SIGN.

- TONY ORLANDO

QUOTE OF THE DAY

ONCE WE WERE MAKING LOVE, A CURIOUS OPTICAL ILLUSION OCCURRED - IT LOOKED AS THOUGH SHE WERE MOVING.

                              - WOODY ALLEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

A SUICIDE HOTLINE IS WHERE THEY TALK TO YOU UNTIL YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE KILLING YOURSELF.

EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF TELEMARKETING.

                              - WOODY ALLEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

MY GRANDFATHER LIKES TO GIVE ME ADVICE, BUT HE'S A LITTLE FORGETFUL. ONE DAY, HE TOOK ME ASIDE AND LEFT ME THERE.

                         - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

SOME PEOPLE THINK OF THE GLASS AS HALF FULL.

SOME THINK OF THE GLASS AS HALF EMPTY.

I THINK OF THE GLASS AS TOO BIG.

                         - GEORGE CARLIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

IN LOS ANGELES, THERE'S A HOTLINE FOR PEOPLE IN DENIAL. SO FAR NO ONE HAS CALLED...

                                - GEORGE CARLIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

HOSTING THE OSCARS IS LIKE MAKING LOVE TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN - IT'S SOMETHING I ONLY GET TO DO WHEN BILLY CRYSTAL'S OUT OF TOWN.

                                 - STEVE MARTIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I WENT TO SAN FRANCISCO. I FOUND SOMEONE'S HEART.

                             - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I TELL YA, LIFE IS TOUGH. FOR YEARS I WAS GETTING A RINGING IN MY EARS. IT'S GETTING WORSE. NOW I'M GETTING BUSY SIGNALS.

                         - RODNEY DANGERFIELD

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THERE ARE TWO RULES FOR SUCCESS IN LIFE:

RULE 1 - DON'T TELL PEOPLE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW.

                            - PHIL PROCTOR

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I WAS RECENTLY BORN AGAIN. I MUST ADMIT, IT'S A GLORIOUS AND WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE.

I CAN'T SAY MY MOTHER ENJOYED IT A WHOLE LOT.

                                - EMO PHILLIPS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY PUBLISHED IN NEW CHOICES MAGAZINE, THE MORE HOUSEHOLD CHORES A HUSBAND DOES, THE MORE LIKELY HIS WIFE IS TO REPORT HAVING GOOD SEX.

THE ARTICLE EXPLAINS THAT WHEN A MAN DOES A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF HOUSEWORK IT GIVES HIS WIFE SOME TIME TO FIND A REAL MAN TO HAVE SEX WITH.

                               - NORM MACDONALD

QUOTE OF THE DAY

PETER: OH MY GOD BRIAN, THERE'S A MESSAGE IN MY ALPHABITS. IT SAYS "OOOOOO".

BRIAN: PETER, THOSE ARE CHEERIOS.

                                 - FAMILY GUY

QUOTE OF THE DAY

MY SISTER GAVE ME A CLOTH CALENDAR. TOOK ME THREE HOURS TO SEW IN A DENTAL APPOINTMENT.

                                     - EMO PHILLIPS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT FEWER AND FEWER KIDS ARE BRINGING GUNS TO SCHOOL.

APPARENTLY, A LOT OF KIDS HAVE BEEN USING THE OLD EXCUSE "MY DOG ATE MY AMMO".

                                      - CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

A PENNSYLVANIA WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN CONVICTED OF SHOPLIFTING HAS BEEN SENTENCED TO WEAR A BADGE THAT READS "CONVICTED SHOPLIFTER".

HOWEVER, HER LAWYERS HOPE TO PLEA-BARGAIN DOWN TO A BUMPER STICKER READING "I'D RATHER BE STEALING".

                                           - TINA FEY

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I WAS AT A BAR NURSING A BEER.

MY NIPPLE WAS GETTING QUITE SOGGY

                                    - EMO PHILIPS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I DON'T GET NO RESPECT.

I TOLD MY DENTIST MY TEETH WERE GETTING YELLOW. HE TOLD ME TO WEAR A BROWN TIE.

                    - RODNEY DANGERFIELD

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I USED TO BE SCARED OF PRETTY GIRLS, UNTIL ONE CONFESSED THEY'RE JUST AS SCARED OF ME.

                                     - EMO PHILLIPS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THIS WEEK PRESIDENT BUSH HOSTED THE ANNUAL WHITE HOUSE CHANUKAH PARTY.

THERE WAS AN AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN BUSH MADE A WISH AND BLEW OUT ALL EIGHT CANDLES.

                                    - CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THE WORLD'S BEST DARTS PLAYER HAS DIED AT SIXTY-SIX.

CAUSE OF DEATH WAS THE WORLD'S WORST DARTS PLAYER.

                              - CRAIG KILBORN