EddieDeezen.com

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I WAS IN THE ROTC PROGRAM.

I REMEMBER ONCE I WAS WALKING THROUGH CAMPUS AND MY INSTRUCTOR GRABS ME, AND HE'S A REAL BIG GUY, AND YELLS, "IT'S BEEN SIX WEEKS SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU IN CAMOUFLAGE CLASS!"

I SAID "I'M GETTING GOOD".

                                     - EMO PHILLIPS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

MY GIRLFRIEND'S WEIRD. ONE DAY SHE ASKED ME, "IF YOU COULD KNOW HOW AND WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO DIE, WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW?".

I SAID, "NO".

SHE SAID, "OKAY, FORGET IT".

                                - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

NEW ORLEANS IS BANNING FORTUNE-TELLERS ON THE STREET.

THEY SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING - OVER 140 FORTUNE-TELLERS HAVE ALREADY LOST THEIR JOBS THIS YEAR TO COOKIES.

                                      - CRAIG KILBORN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I JUST SAW MY GRANDMOTHER, PROBABLY FOR THE LAST TIME. SHE'S NOT SICK OR ANYTHING, SHE JUST BORES THE HELL OUT OF ME.

                            - A. WHITNEY BROWN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I CALLED A DISCOUNT EXTERMINATOR. A GUY CAME BY WITH A ROLLED-UP MAGAZINE.

                                        - WILL SHRINER

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I'VE HAD A PERFECTLY WONDERFUL EVENING. UNFORTUNATELY THIS WASN'T IT.

                                       - GROUCHO MARX

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST SPERM BANKS, BUT THEY REALLY SHOULD GET RID OF THOSE AUTOMATIC TELLER MACHINES

                                     - DAVID CORRADO

QUOTE OF THE DAY

WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGERS HAS RELEASED A RECIPE FOR STUFFING A TURKEY USING TEN WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGERS.

OF COURSE, THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET THE TURKEY REALLY STONED.

                                      - CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

AMERICAN EXPRESS IS IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE AND WANTS A $5.5 BILLION DOLLAR BAILOUT FROM THE GOVERNMENT.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR AMERICAN EXPRESS, THE GOVERNMENT ONLY TAKES VISA AND MASTER CARD.

                                     - CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I WANNA HAVE A MAP OF THE WORLD IN MY HOUSE.

THEN I'M GONNA PUT PINS IN ALL THE LOCATIONS I'VE TRAVELLED TO.

BUT FIRST, I'M GONNA HAVE TO TRAVEL TO THE TWO CORNERS ON THE MAP, SO IT WON'T FALL OFF THE WALL.

                                           - MITCH HEDBERG

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THE JAPANESE HAVE A WORD FOR IT - "JUDO"- THE ART OF CONQUERING BY YIELDING.

THE WESTERN EQUIVALENT OF JUDO IS "YES, DEAR".

                                           - J.P. MCEVOY

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I DISCOVERED I SCREAM THE SAME WAY, WHETHER I'M ABOUT TO BE ATTACKED BY A GREAT WHITE OR IF A PIECE OF SEAWEED TOUCHES MY FOOT

                                           - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE SAYS HE'S TIRED OF ASHTON KUTCHER TAKING CREDIT FOR MAKING TRUCKER'S HATS POPULAR, BECAUSE TIMBERLAKE INSISTS HE STARTED THE TREND.

THE INTERVIEW WILL APPEAR IN NEXT MONTH'S LAME FEUD MAGAZINE.

                                                                     - CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

YOU MUST COME AGAIN WHEN YOU HAVE LESS TIME.

                                           - WALTER SICKERT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

AT THE END OF A LETTER, I LIKE TO WRITE, "PS - THIS IS WHAT PART OF THE ALPHABET WOULD LOOK LIKE IF Q AND R WERE ELIMINATED"

                                               - MITCH HEDBERG

QUOTE OF THE DAY

MY SISTER MARRIED A GERMAN.

HE COMPLAINED HE COULDN'T GET A GOOD BAGEL BACK HOME.

I SAID, "WELL, WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?"

                                - EMO PHILLIPS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

IN A USA TODAY INTERVIEW, VANNA WHITE SAID THAT SINCE HER SON HAS BEEN BORN, SHE WANTS TO WORK LESS.

VANNA, YOU TURN TILES FOR A LIVING. IF YOU WORKED ANY LESS, YOU'D BE THE TRIANGLE PLAYER FOR K.C. AND THE SUNSHINE BAND.

                                                 - DENNIS MILLER

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I'M NOT YOUNG ENOUGH TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

                               - OSCAR WILDE

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I REMEMBER THE TIME I WAS KIDNAPPED AND THEY SENT A PIECE OF MY FINGER TO MY FATHER.

HE SAID HE WANTED MORE PROOF.

                              - RODNEY DANGERFIELD

QUOTE OF THE DAY

AN INTELLECTUAL IS SOMEONE WHO CAN LISTEN TO THE WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE AND NOT THINK OF THE LONE RANGER.

                                                - DAN RATHER

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THE WORST TIME TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK IS DURING A GAME OF CHARADES.

                                        - DEMETRI MARTIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

IN ATLANTA, THE HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT IS GETTING RID OF THE SIGNS THAT SAY "MEN AT WORK" BECAUSE THEY ARE POLITICALLY INCORRECT.

THE NEW SIGNS SAY "MEN AND WOMEN-WHO-LOOK-LIKE-MEN AT WORK".

                                            - CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE LATEST EARTHQUAKE IN LOS ANGELES?

IT DESTROYED EVERYTHING AT THE ETCH-A-SKETCH MUSEUM.

                                   - MYQ KAPLAN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THE TROUBLE WITH THE FRENCH IS THEY DON'T HAVE A WORD FOR "ENTREPRENEUR".

                                          - GEORGE W. BUSH

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THEY HAVE ATM'S IN JAIL NOW SO CRIMINALS CAN ARRANGE BAIL MONEY.

DO YOU THINK THEY LOOK AROUND WHEN THEY'RE USING THEM, LOOKING FOR SHADY CHARACTERS?

                                           - JAY LENO

QUOTE OF THE DAY

(ON BEING ASKED IF A STREAKER THAT RAN ACROSS THE FIELD WAS A MAN OR A WOMAN.)

YOGI BERRA:
I DON'T KNOW. THEY HAD A BAG OVER THEIR HEAD.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

ROD: HOW COME EVERYBODY'S HAVING VISIONS, DADDY?

NED FLANDERS: OH, THERE'S NO EXPLAINING GOD'S WILL, RODDY. THAT'S LIKE EXPLAINING HOW AN AIRPLANE FLIES.

                                              - THE SIMPSONS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE POPE WAS A SOCCER GOALIE IN HIS YOUTH.

SO APPARENTLY, EVEN AS A YOUNG MAN HE TRIED TO STOP PEOPLE FROM SCORING.

                                           - CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THE OTHER DAY WHEN I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS, I SAW A A RABBIT STANDING IN FRONT OF A CANDLE MAKING SHADOWS OF PEOPLE ON A TREE.

                                            - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

LUNA: DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

MILES: DO I BELIEVE IN GOD? I'M WHAT YOU CALL A THEOLOGICAL ATHEIST. I BELIEVE THERE IS AN INTELLIGENCE IN THE UNIVERSE, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF CERTAIN PARTS OF NEW JERSEY. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

LUNA: WELL, I BELIEVE THAT THERE'S SOMEBODY OUT THERE WATCHING OVER US.

MILES: UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S THE GOVERNMENT.

                      - WOODY ALLEN, SLEEPER