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QUOTE OF THE DAY

(ON BEING TOLD BY HIS WIFE THAT SHE HAD GONE TO SEE DR. ZHIVAGO)

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU NOW?

                                                  - YOGI BERRA

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THEY HAVE ATM'S IN JAIL NOW SO CRIMINALS CAN ARRANGE BAIL MONEY.

DO YOU THINK THEY LOOK AROUND WHEN THEY'RE USING THEM, LOOKING FOR SHADY CHARACTERS?

                                                   - JAY LENO

QUOTE OF THE DAY

THE OTHER DAY AT AN AUSTRALIAN TRACK MEET, A 101-YEAR-OLD MAN RAN A MILE AND SET A WORLD RECORD FOR PEOPLE OVER 100 YEARS OLD.

THERE IS SOME CONTROVERSY CONCERNING THE RECORD, THOUGH, BECAUSE WHEN THE MAN BEGAN THE RACE HE WAS ONLY 98.

                                                - CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

WAITERS AND WAITRESSES ARE BECOMING MUCH NICER AND MORE CARING. I USED TO PAY MY CHECK, THEY'D SAY THANK YOU. THAT GRADUATED TO HAVE A NICE DAY. THAT'S NOW ESCALATED INTO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF NOW.

THE OTHER DAY I PAID MY CHECK AND THE WAITER SAID DON'T PUT OFF THAT MAMMOGRAM.

                                               - RITA RUDNER

QUOTE OF THE DAY

IN WISCONSIN, A DRIVER, DRIVING ALONG, DROVE HIS CAR THROUGH THE BATHROOM IN A TACO BELL.

THE TACO BELL OWNER IS CALLING IT THE SECOND WORST BATHROOM ACCIDENT THAT DAY.

                                              - CONAN O'BRIEN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I HATE DOING LAUNDRY.

I DON'T SEPARATE THE COLORS FROM THE WHITES.

I PUT THEM TOGETHER AND LET THEM LEARN FROM THEIR CULTURAL DIFFERENCES.

                                                   - RITA RUDNER

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I WAS TRYING TO DAYDREAM BUT MY MIND KEPT WANDERING...

                                              - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

MY BUDDY GOT BUSTED FOR COUNTERFEITING

HE WAS MAKING PENNIES.

THEY CAUGHT HIM BECAUSE HE WAS PUTTING THE HEADS AND TAILS ON THE WRONG SIDES.

                                       - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

WE'RE WASTING MORE ENERGY THAN RICKY MARTIN'S GIRLFRIEND

          - GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE, THE SIMPSONS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

ROSE: CAN I ASK A DUMB QUESTION?

DOROTHY: LIKE NOBODY ELSE.

                                - THE GOLDEN GIRLS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I TRIED TO HANG MYSELF WITH A BUNGEE CORD. I KEPT ALMOST DYING.
                                           - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I CALLED A DISCOUNT EXTERMINATOR. A GUY CAME BY WITH A ROLLED-UP MAGAZINE.

                                             - WIL SHRINER

QUOTE OF THE DAY

WITH MY OLD MAN I GOT NO RESPECT.

WHEN HE TOOK ME HUNTING, HE GAVE ME A THREE-MINUTE HEAD START.

                                   -   RODNEY DANGERFIELD

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"CHARLES MANSON JUST TURNED SEVENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD.

HE'S GETTING VERY OLD NOW.

HE NOW HAS TO WEAR A HEARING AID SO HE CAN HEAR THE VOICES INSIDE HIS HEAD."

                                             - CRAIG KILBORN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I'VE GOT ALOT TO LEARN ABOUT WASHINGTON. WHY, YESTERDAY, I ACCIDENTALLY SPENT SOME OF MY OWN MONEY."

                                - SEN. FRED THOMPSON

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"MY MOTHER NEVER BREAST-FED ME. SHE TOLD ME SHE ONLY LIKED ME AS A FRIEND."

                                  - RODNEY DANGERFIELD

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"A BLIND MAN IS ATTEMPTING TO CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST.  WHY?  BECAUSE SOMEBODY TOLD HIM IT WAS THERE."

                                         - CRAIG KILBORN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I HAVE AN EXISTENTIAL MAP. IT HAS "YOU ARE HERE" WRITTEN ALL OVER IT."

                                           - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"ALL GENERALIZATIONS ARE FALSE".

                                            - R.H. GRENIER

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I WAS WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND WE SAW EIGHT BIG GUYS PUSHING AN OLD LADY AROUND. MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS, "DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." SO I WENT UP TO THEM AND ASKED, "IS THAT ANY WAY TO TREAT AN ELDERLY LADY?" THEY SAID, "IT'S ONE WAY." SO I THOUGHT, "WELL, THAT'S REASONABLE."

                                   - STEVIE RAY FROMSTEIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I DIALED A WRONG NUMBER. THE OTHER PERSON SAID "HELLO?" AND I SAID "CAN I SPEAK TO JOEY?"

THEY SAID, "UH, I DON'T THINK SO, HE'S ONLY TWO MONTHS OLD".

I SAID "I'LL WAIT."

                                         - STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"IN LOS ANGELES, THERE'S A HOTLINE FOR PEOPLE IN DENIAL. SO FAR NO ONE HAS CALLED."

                                            - GEORGE CARLIN

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS, DON'T YOU?

TODAY IS THE DAY MR. BLACKWELL COMES OUT WITH HIS ANNUAL "WORST DRESSED LIST".

IT'S ALSO THE ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR WHERE MR. BLACKWELL LOOKS AT WOMEN."

                                              -JOHNNY CARSON

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"COUNTRIES ARE MAKING NUCLEAR WEAPONS LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

BUT MAYBE INSTEAD OF TRYING TO BUILD NEWER AND BIGGER WEAPONS OF DESTRUCTION, WE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT GETTING MORE USE OUT OF THE ONES WE ALREADY HAVE."

                                                    -EMO PHILLIPS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"OUR GOOD FRIEND THE COUNTRY OF SAUDI ARABIA BEHEADED FOUR PEOPLE LAST YEAR, WITH TWO BEHEADINGS IN ONE WEEK.

THEY DO THESE BEHEADINGS IN PUBLIC AND GET HUGE CROWDS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY IN BAD TASTE?

THE LAST BEHEADING WAS BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT"

                                                 -JAY LENO

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I'D KILL FOR A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE".

                                  -STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I ALMOST HAD A PSYCHIC GIRLFRIEND, BUT SHE LEFT ME BEFORE WE MET."

                                       -STEVEN WRIGHT

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I DISCOVERED MY WIFE IN BED WITH ANOTHER MAN AND I WAS CRUSHED.

SO I SAID, "GET OFF ME, YOU TWO."

                                          - EMO PHILLIPS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"REMEMBER KIDS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUMP INTO EACH OTHER, JUST ENJOY THE RIDE"

                                              - MARGE SIMPSON

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"THE DALAI LAMA MET WITH PRESIDENT BUSH IN D.C.

THE DALAI LAMA HAD TO START OUT SLOW WITH THE PRESIDENT:

"ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THE SOUND OF TWO HANDS CLAPPING?"

                                                  -JON STEWART